How to... [for Pirates]

[crazy4wipeout]

Really you'd think I had something better to do at work but I don't.  I thought the Pirates could enjoy these.


How to Talk Like a Pirate


If you're going to dress up like a pirate, nothing will ruin your image more easily than just adding "Arrrrr!" to the end of every sentence. So don't settle for being an imitation pirate, or you'll get labeled a "lubber" in no time. Here's how to be authentic and colorful, like a real swashbuckling man o'the sea!


Steps
1. Growl - and scowl often. Pirates don't use a cultured, elegant, smooth vocalization - they mutter and growl.

2. Use pirate lingo. Sounding like a pirate isn't as hard as it seems! There are lots of resources for picking up pirate "lingo," so make use of them (some common terms listed below) in addition to trying to affect a vocal sound. Avoid using modern epithets (swear words). It's much more colorful (and kid-friendly) to use "pirate slang" for those naughty words.

3. Gesture with your hands frequently. Don't forget that pirates do most of their talking on the deck of a ship - out on the ocean, where wind, waves, and bird calls make it tough to hear. Gesturing often gives you a sense of "being there."

4. Always run words together. Saying, "The boys and I were out for a lovely day on the water today" sounds like something you'd overhear at a yacht club, not out on the bounding main! Instead, try, "Me'n'these here scurvy scallywags drug our sorry keesters out t'th'ship'n'had us a grand great adventuaaarrr! We almost had t'keelhaul Mad Connie f'r gettin inter th' grog behind our backs!" Use contractions whenever possible. Be sure to punctuate often with "Arrrr!"

5. Never use "you" or "you're" - ever. Instead, use the piratical form, "yer" or "ya" for all forms of address to others. "Yer a scurvy bilge rat, ya pompous gasbag" or "Here's yer dinner, ya mangy cockroach." Note that you should always endeavor to call the addressee by some insulting name, usually involving an animal.

6. Embellish at will. A pirate is larger than life, and his or her speech should always reflect this. Don't just say, "We saw a whale off the starboard bow today." Say, "Me'n'th' crew seen a great grand sea beastie, th' mother of all whales, aye!"

7. Refer to yourself as "me" at all times, never "I" It is not piratically correct to say, "I have a cold." It is far better as a pirate to declare, "Got me a case o'th'sniffles, 'ass rye!"

8. Mutter unintelligibly unless yelling. Being a pirate usually meant being liquored up to some degree - a lot of time, pirates were pretty mush-mouthed. In the step preceding, the term "'ass rye" actually translates to "that's right." Get it?

9. Be as loud as humanly possible. Pirates are not shy violets - stand tall, me hearties, and be counted!


Pirate Vocabulary
Credit should be given to the Talk Like a Pirate official website for some of these definitions of authentic pirate-speak:

Ahoy! - "Hello!"

Avast! - Stop and give attention. This word, like many pirate words, has multiple meanings, so it can also can be used in place of, "Whoa! Get a load of that!" "Check it out" or "No way!" or "Get off!"

Aye! - "Yes!"

Aye aye! - "I understand what you said and I will carry out your order!"

Arrr! - This is often confused with "arrrgh," which is, of course, the sound you make when you sit on a belaying pin. "Arrr!", like "Aloha," means variously, "yes," "I agree," "I'm happy," "I'm enjoying this beer," "My team is going to win it all," "I saw that television show, it sucked!" and "That was a clever remark you or I just made." And those are just a few of the myriad possibilities of Arrr!

Beauty – The best possible pirate address for a woman. Always preceded by "me," as in, "C'mere, me beauty," or even, "me buxom beauty," to one particularly well endowed. You'll be surprised how effective this is.

Wench - Woman, girl, or waitress. Whatever.

Bilge rat – The bilge is the lowest level of the ship. It's loaded with ballast and slimy, reeking water. A bilge rat, then, is a rat that lives in the worst place on the ship. Pirates, just like their modern-day counterparts (regular guys), love to joke and jibe with their buddies. By all means, pirates will call their buddies "bilge rats."

Bung hole – It's the hole in a wooden barrel, usually sealed with a cork. To get what's in the barrel out, usually, the cork is pried out, opening the bung hole. Saying, "Well, me hearties, let's see what crawled out of the bung hole" will often be accompanied by the sound of 21st century citizens running for their lives. Yay! Dinner for one, coming up!

Grog – An alcoholic drink, usually rum diluted with water, but in this context you could use it to refer to any alcoholic beverage other than beer, and we aren't prepared to be picky about that, either.

Hornpipe – Both a single-reeded musical instrument sailors often had aboard ship, and a spirited dance that sailors do. The common term for being filled with lust is "horny," and hornpipe then has some comical possibilities. "Is that a hornpipe in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Or both?"

Hearties or Mate or Matey - Shipmates or friends.

Lubber – (or land lubber) Where a lubber is a poor seaman, a land lubber is an exceptionally ignorant seaman. In a room where everyone is talking like pirates, lubber is always an insult.

Smartly – Do something quickly. "Smartly, me lass," you might say when sending the bar maid off for another round. She will be so impressed she might well spit in your beer.

Scurvy - Well, of course, it's an awful affliction that used to bedevil buccaneers in days gone by; that's one reason there was lime juice added to the rum in the water, making grog. So calling someone a "scurvy bilge rat" is even worse than calling him a "bilge rat."

Shiver me timbers! - Pirate for "Well, I'll be" or "Is that so?".


Tips
Loud and lusty wins the day in Piratespeak!

The more colorful you are, the more successful you will be as a pirate - why you might end up as Cap'n!

Don't worry about whether people understand you. Just squint with one eye (your good eye, the other should be covered by an enigmatic black patch) and nod meaningfully, as if they do understand, when you're asked to explain. Saying, "Ayyyyyyyye" softly, and stroking your mustache can also help to persuade them that they did understand you the first time.


Warnings
If you plan to indulge in ale, grog or other piratical spirits, do NOT attempt to steer your own ship home, matey! (Don't drink and drive!)

[crazy4wipeout]

How to Act Like a Pirate

In today's unsettling times, why not be a pirate?


Steps
1. Cut off the bottoms of all your pants. When people ask you about it, claim that you snagged them on errant pieces of coral.

2. Find a puffy shirt and wear it all the time...if it was originally white, it should turn a nice beige/taupe color. Add a contrasting sash. If your job forbids you to openly dress like a pirate, wear the pirate gear under your business suit (uniform, mascot outfit, etc.). When people begin to wonder about the stench, tell them it's the smell of the sea.

3. Integrate the following words into your lexicon: Matey, booty, Arghhh, buried treasure, plank, scoundrel, plunder etc. Say them in a low, gravelly voice. After all, you've been breathing in saltwater and are bound to be a little parched and raspy.

4. With the bird flu going around, don't bother with a real parrot. Visit your local taxidermist and see what they have. Anything with feathers will do.

5. When people ask you what the hell you're doing, tell them "One-Eyed-Willie sent me..."

6. Instead of arguing with naysayers, request a parlay and insist that they "follow the code."

7. Get into the habit of wearing an eyepatch. If at all possible, switch eyes everyday so as to not strain one eye.

8. Drink rum - lots of it, straight up, preferably right out of the bottle. Develop a swagger and claim that you've got sea-legs. Refer to the rum as "Grog"

9. See if you can get a monkey to do your bidding. (Note: This does not include "bidding" at poker or games of chance.)

10. Go to the tanning salon often. Pirates have well-baked skin.

11. You need an earring, mate! For accuracy, create the hole in your earlobe with the point of a rusty knife. For safety's sake, get a tetanus shot shortly afterwards.

12. Learn how to do scrimshaw. (Please note that it may be illegal in your area to harvest whale's teeth or elephant tusks. Check your local ordinances.)

13. Read about real pirates and know trivia so when landlubbers ask you questions nobody doubts you are a true pirate. (Note: When watching "Pirates of the Caribbean" do not believe everything they say, i.e. Port Royal was really a pirate port, not a military one.)


Tips
People will doubt you if you are not 100% committed to the pirate lifestyle. See if you can borrow a boat from your local marina. At the very least, you can carry an oar about with you.

Note: I said "oar" and not "paddle" in the previous tip. The latter is a dead giveaway that you're not quite piratey.

The "Pirates of the Caribbean" series is a good place to pick up tips. Especially watch scenes with Captain Jack Sparrow in them, as he is good for inspiration.

To really be taken seriously as a pirate, you need to encourage others (friends, family, your local shopkeeper) to become a pirate and join you on the high seas. Bank managers, lawyers, police officers, stock brokers, and teachers also make excellent pirates.


Warnings
Pirates carry swords and sometimes pistols. However that is ILLEGAL on the mainland. It is also not recommended that you replace any limbs with wood or hooks.

Real piracy is illegal almost everywhere. It is theoretically punishable by death in the UK. BE CAREFUL!!

[crazy4wipeout]

How to Be a Pirate Girl

New Pirate is a great new subculture. Find out how to join it.


Steps
1. Wear a lot of bandanas! Especially ones with skull and crossbones designs and red and black ones. When not wearing a bandana, make your hair a bit messy. You can also use an eye patch, get one at your local costume store. If you have dark skin, then dreadlocks are good. Black, light brown, dirty blond and red are all great shades but your natural one will work too.

2. White, ivory, beige, cream and tan peasant shirts are great for the look. Skull-t shirts are also great. Plain black, white or beige shirts with cut-off sleeves are a great addition to your wardrobe. Brightly colored long sleeve button ups are piratey. Just make sure they are loose, not stiff like a shirt a corporate executive might wear to the office. And make sure you leave all of it untucked but the very front, creating sagging look (regardless of how its finished) and unbutton the first few buttons

3. Capris capris capris. These are so incredibly piratey if the have the right knicker-looking characteristics! Avoid denim and other recent additions in fabrics. Stick to hemp, cotton, wool and other natural fabrics. Keep them in brown and natural colors. Its a good idea to tear of the hem to make them look a bit more tough, but also keep them baggy, because they would have been real knickers, stolen from men. If you live in a cooler climate you should probably wear long, flowing pants in the winter. Avoid skirts.

4. If you have fair, beige, or golden skin then consider getting a tan.

5. You should use black, brown, flesh toned or no eyeshadow. Mascara is okay, as long as its black or brown. So is black or brown eyeliner.

6. You should either make your lips a shade of red, flesh colored, a natural color or no color. Keep the shine to a minimum if any. Avoid lipliner. You don't have to wear lipstick or gloss at all.

7. Preferably you shouldn't wear any nail polish but if you really want to, just wear a clear or flesh toned coat and keep your nails about the length of a well-groomed guy's nails.

8. Keeping your hands and feet rough and callused is always important. Walk barefoot to improve this.

9. A warm blush thats a shade or two darker than you natural skin tone should be swept under your cheekbones to make them stick out.

10. Now for walking like a pirate. You keep your head up high but don't stick your nose in the air. Strut like you are absolutely arrogant but don't look too popular. Stomp a little, but go quickly.

11. To complement your pirate looks you need to have a pirate personality and have pirate hobbies. Be funny and witty as much as possible. Act tough and flirt, like your popular. Pirates are always somewhat arrogant. Have fun boating. Fencing is also great. You can play cards and dice, but don't use real money, use "pieces of eight" (pirate currency). Practice lock picking.

12. Pirate girls come in all shapes and sizes. The important thing is that their bodies are their own, t'do with as they please (*cough*cough*), an' pity the scurvy dog who tries t' encroach on a pirate girl's booty without her permission. Be proud, be strong, an' flaunt yer pirattitude!

13. You should get a new pirate guy if you prefer guys. You should definitely treat them right. Never hit, kick or insult them. Respect them deeply, but don't baby them like they're not self-sufficient. You can have more than one, just don't let 'em know!


Things Ya Migh' Need
bandanas with skulls, black and red designs.
eye patch
peasant shirts
shirts with cut-off sleeves
billowing capris
fake tanner
black, brown, natural or flesh-toned eyeshadow
black or brown mascara
black or brown eyeliner
red, flesh-toned or naturally occurring colored lipstick or lip gloss (not fake-looking)
warm blush
hair highlighter

[crazy4wipeout]

How to Release the Pirate Within

Far from the stinking, scurvy-laden swabs of yore, or the free-music-downloading college students of today, a True Pirate knows how to distill the essence of Piracy, and live life as it was meant to be lived: Heartily, me Hearties!


Steps
1. Go "on account". Not simple theft, but acquiring things in a way that the previous owner is happy to give you what you ask for, all things considered.

2. Follow a code: Whether it's accumulating wealth or avoiding the yoke of polite society, know your goals.

3. Assemble a crew: A lonely pirate is a poor pirate indeed. Gather like-minded folk to aid your endeavors.

4. Choose a style: Gentleman-captain? Blood-hungry tyrant? Shabby but charismatic rogue? "Exotic" foreign type?


Tips
Live, by god! On land or on sea, the point of going on account is to finance your freedom with ill-gotten goodies. Make it work for you!

Share the wealth- your crew rely on you, and you rely on them. Friends, relatives, well-wishers, all are entitled to a fair share.

Develop a reputation- the greatest pirates of yore captured their riches with a minimum of fighting. Cargos should be handed over with a smile. You might even become a hero to those who lack the stomach to make their own way in life.


Warnings
Don't do anything illegal! Anyone can thieve, but it takes dedication and style to plunder.

DO get people to give you stuff you don't really deserve.

Live with a swagger.

Don't hurt any part of anyone else, excepting their pride. Non-pirates can be humiliated in the course of your work.

Respect other pirates. Everyone has to earn a living.


Things You'll Need
A healthy self-esteem
Friends or well-wishers
Dreams of glory
An intimidating stare (optional, but recommended)
Sea legs not required
Eye Patch optional

[crazy4wipeout]

How to Make a Pirate Name


This article will tell you how to come up with an awesome pirate name! Pirates shall rule!

Steps
1. Pick a bird name, or a parsitic animal name. Think of different birds or animals and what they are known for, pick one that you really like. (ex: Buzzard, Crow, Mocking, Raven, Hawk, Snail, Possum, Barnacle)

2. Change the name spelling to make it look like a persons name rather than a bird name (ex: Mocking to Mock, Hawk to Hawkin, Crow to Crowe)

3. Add a modifier to your name that describes one of your personality or physical characteristics. That way when you tell people your name it really makes sense.

4. You need to pick a first name that will ring with the other two. Try using the same sounds in the names so it sounds real smooth. Example: Rowdy Roy Ravenhook, Frank Stoutbeard,


Tips
Use your imagination and be creative.

Pirates came from all over the world. There were spanish pirates, asian pirates, english pirates, etc. So decide which type of pirate you are and speak with that accent. Remember if all pirates spoke with an English accent it would get boring.

Still at a loss? Let this pirate name generator do it for you!


Warnings
Don't copy names from any movie, people will just think you're a loser!

A pirate name without the act is nothing!

Do not use wimpy animals or birds in your name or you will get ridiculed. How much respect does the name Canary Harry demand, or what about Fat Joe Peacock, or even Tall Parakeet Bill. Try to use more ominous names like Buzzard Bill Longtoe.


Things You'll Need
A love of pirateshttp://

[Jojoba]

....you could have just said 'Rum'. Pirates need rum! *grabs rum* Wheee!

[Hecubus]

what you REALLY need is

- a simple link to a website rather than four posts' worth of unattributed copy

- a willingness to search the forums to make sure we haven't SEEN IT ALREADY

[crazy4wipeout]

I'm sorry.

[BlackBeards Bitch]

well, I had a giggle over it Thanks Crazy!

[Hyperkitty]

WTF?
Pirates DO NOT say sorry.

[missangelica]

Psst, he/she needs a manual to pretend to be a pirate so he/she is not a pirate.

[Feverish]

All these" how tos" and pirate talking is getting pretty annoying. I don't mean to offend anyone, but it's quite frustrating trying to read posts that have been made using a pirate translator. I have just started skipping over those.

[Hyperkitty]

I'm with Feverish and missangelica on this one.

[Ensign EO]

If it's just for something silly, then I can just skip over it and not wonder if I missed anything, but why would you do it to a post that actually has something to say, to a post that's remotely serious?

I've seen at least two posts that seemed like they had something to say that wasn't random spam like the "arr, pass the rum" and such, but they'd been run through the translator, so it makes me wonder.  :?