Think Before you Speak LOL

[PsychoSimGirl]

This may not be the place but I thought perhaps some of my fellow Pirates could use a laugh.

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


One:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word............he knew better.

Two:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'

Three:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,my sister has never let me forget.

Four:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

Five:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No'.
I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't h ave an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled,
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[Broomhilda]

I was looking at a purse and talking to a salesperson.My husband asked me what kind it was because he noticed it was expensive. I told him dooney and bourke, so he yells out in front of the woman "what douchy?"
I really think I almost died, I just walked out laughing. :oops:

[PsychoSimGirl]

I was looking at a purse and talking to a salesperson.My husband asked me what kind it was because he noticed it was expensive. I told him dooney and bourke, so he yells out in front of the woman "what douchy?"
I really think I almost died, I just walked out laughing. :oops:

LOL how embarassing, I think the worst thing that's happened to me recently is tons of people asking me if I have Cancer. I've had my head shaved for 7 years and now all of a sudden in the last month people have been asking that. Which I think is extremely rude especially if I did have cancer. So I guess I just look like crap or something, too stressed out LOL.

[Broomhilda]

Even worse he kept repeating it!!! He didn't even know what he was saying. :lol:  I can't believe people would walk up and ask if you had cancer. What is wrong with people?? :roll:

[Lilyroseisapirate]

thank you psychsimgirl for giving me the best laugh i have had in weeks!!!

[Chinchillagrl]

That was great! Thanks for sharing.

[donovan]

Well, I'm fat and carry most of my weight in my belly, with a little in my hips and butt.  I'm assuming you can all tell where this is going.... :twisted:
I was walking in a clothing store and some chick comes out and says, "When are you due?"  So I said, "I'll let you know when I'm actually pregnant."
At least she had to have been more embarrassed than I was.  Jeeze I need to get to the gym.

[Aquamarine]

Ah, shit. I thought I opened a chain letter for a sec there.

[missnaughty]

OMG NUTS I did that once before.

I was in Julian Graves http://www.juliangraves.com/  and was browsing the nuts, I needed some for a recipe, anyway, a really cute guy came up to me and asked if I needed help.  Anyway my aunt was standing next to me looking at the sweets.  

I said to him "I was just looking at his nuts" he gave me this cheeky grin, and my aunt was laughing (choking on a sweet), I couldn't help glancing towards his (well, area) and then I said, "Not yours but I am pretty sure they'll be good to look at, I just need brazillians for a recipe."  His retort was "I'm brazilian".

He did ask me out.  And I thought, as I was looking at his nuts, I may as well go out with him.  Oh and I got engaged to him recently.

[Tchannie]

I don't get the douchy thing...
When I was 12 I was huuuuuuge, MUCH fatter than now, and someone asked my mum that, and she was horrified. But my mum, being much worse than everyone else's, of course, now refuses to walk to some places with me because I embarrass her. *rolls eyes*
I have too much empathy--I didn't find any of those terribly funny, just felt horribly sorry for all of them. Except the mum with the farting kid, that was alright.

[Broomhilda]

I said dooney and that got twisted in his brain with gucci. I'll explain how...
I asked him later how he got douchy from dooney and he says he thought it was a douchy. So I finally figured out what he was thinking and I said it's Gucci you idiot not douchy! He does this kind of thing all the time. :lol:  :lol:

[Tchannie]

Yes but I don't actually know what a "douchy" IS, so that's not really helping.

[Lorelei]

A douche, which is not pronounced anything like Gucci, is a water- or vinegar-based (and unusually unnecessary) solution that is squirted up a vagina to cleanse it, a job most vajayjays do fine on their own.

A dutchie is slang for a pot cigarette, a factoid that made the one-hit wonder in the 80s, "Pass the Dutchie" (Musical Youth did it, maybe?), more interesting.

I don't get the embarrassment factor of saying "doo-chee" instead of "doo-knee" in public ... the other anecdotes seem to refer to bodily functions being talked about loudly and overheard by strangers, so the connection escapes me.

'Splain, pwease?  :cry:

ETA: "Douche" is pronounced "doosh," so, like MMEStalker, I'm still baffled as to the embarrassment factor.

[Broomhilda]

OK...
Maybe it's only funny to me. I don't walk around saying douche all day, so it was embarrassing for my husband to be saying it.  :?

[MMEStalker]

OK, I still don't get it, was he saying douche or douchy? If he was saying douche, then I could see how that would be mildly embarrassing, and weird because I can't see how you'd get that by mixing up Gucci and dooney. If he was saying douchy, I don't get why it's embarrassing because I don't know what it means, though I guess even if it's nonsense it still might be embarrassing to have him say a random collection of syllables. Maybe I'm just not easily embarrassed, or maybe it's embarrassing in another language.